A God Who Felt Lonely

By: Griffin Cobb

“Well, how has your day been?”

“What are you talking about, you’ve been with me all day.”

“I know, but I can’t read your mind. Just because I’ve been around doesn’t mean you had a good day.”

“It does, actually. But I appreciate you asking.”

“You’re quite welcome. Now, how has your day been?”

A slight sigh and a chuckle. “It’s been nice.”

“Lovely, what made it so nice?”

“Really?”

“What, can you not remember? Can I not ask? Is it hard to talk about? Am I going to have to keep asking absurd questions to try and get you to resp-”

“Waking up to see you is always a start to a good day.”

She sat back up and smiled. “That does sound like a good start. Go on.”

“Things are calmer than normal, which is good, it’s made for a good day. I had an actual breakfast for the first time in weeks.”

Leaning back, she nodded and took a sip of her wine.

He picked up his own glass. “Thank you again, by the way, for those eggs,” he smiled.

“Well, after that, the one thing you didn’t get to see was this morning's meeting. God’s kept up their streak and we actually had a pretty pleasant talk, which is still something I’m getting used to. I guess today’s been a good day because all the days before have been rather dreadful.”

A sip of his wine allowed for a break in his ramblings. Lilith still kept her smirk as she set her own glass down. “So you mean to say, all this time we’ve been together, those days have all been ‘dreadful’?”

Eyes the same color as his wine rolled back into Lucifer’s head. He finished his sip. “You’re impossible, you know that?” He set his glass back down. “The days before were dreadful, and you made them bearable. The days, now, are bearable, and you make them good.”

Deep brown eyes resting above a curved nose guided Lilith’s gaze to that of her eternal lover. Her hair fell neatly passed her shoulders, the color of dark oak with subtle waves like wood grain. Olive skin glowed against a satin black dress sitting on her lithe frame. Once again her smirk she so often held broke into a smile he so often coaxed out of her. “You’re lucky you have a way with words.”

“You’re lucky you draw them out of me.”

Before their glasses had shallowed out, a finely dressed waiter weaved through the nearby tables and set out a seared steak with ornate plating in front of Lucifer, and a smaller plate of what looked like ratatouille in front of Lilith. The waiter was a young man, with warm, tan skin and short, black hair that framed a round face. His eyes were black and shining, expressing a kindness that, combined with his smile, one could only imagine was incredibly helpful in the customer service industry.

The strawberry blonde curls of the Lord of Hell bounced as he nodded to the waiter and gave his thanks, his wine-red eyes turning to a cool blue for the split second they made eye contact.

The waiter left and Lucifer looked down at his steak and then up to his wife of eternity. “No one’s going to care about your eyes, Luc,” she said. A voice as simultaneously chastising yet affectionate as hers had yet to be made again by the creator. Apparently even God could make a voice they couldn’t say no to, and they’d quickly learned from that mistake.

“I’d rather not risk the questions and attention, we get enough of those back home.” Eyes now back to their god-given color fell to the steak with obvious hunger. He picked up a fork and knife ready to slice before he looked at Lilith’s plate. “I still don’t understand this ‘vegetarian’ thing,” he said as he pointed and twirled his fork at her dish.

Lilith shrugged. “I’m just not a fan of sending precious animals to an early grave.”

“Love, we are the grave.”

“Dying isn’t fun for anyone, no matter the destination. It just seems cruel to me.”

Reformed as he may be, the weight of mortal death still never fully grasped Lucifer’s empathy.

“This steak was going to be served to someone. I won’t let the cow’s sacrifice go to waste.”

“The cow shouldn’t have to make a sacrifice, Luc. They should be free to enjoy life.”

“Lily, you cannot tell me you think a cow’s life here is better spent than one up in heaven. You’re the whole reason all cows go to heaven, anyways. ‘The cows for geese.’ Those were your exact words to God.”

Lilith crossed her arms. “Geese had it coming, it was a fair trade.”

Lucifer’s silverware clanked back down on the table. “That’s not- fine. I agree, the geese have fit unnaturally well in Hell. It- it actually makes me question God’s plan for them in the first…” For a split moment, Lucifer lost himself in a brief, question-riddled trance. Then he shook his head and looked back up.

“Plus,” she unfolded her arms and took up her own fork, looked down at her ratatouille, and let her smirk form once more, “I really like that movie. Rats are just as cute as cows.” For as easy as it was for Lilith to create tension out of nowhere, she was just as good at cutting it. Happy to let his confusion go, Lucifer laughed and focused again on his meal.

They spent a minute in silent enjoyment as they ate, the waiter coming by once more to fill up their wine glasses. This restaurant had become a favorite of theirs over the years. It was a fairly upscale family-owned jazz house in the heart of Atlanta. A trip back down to Atlanta had introduced Lucifer to the would-be-founder. They hadn’t much musical skill themselves, but they were a damn good chef and were rather passionate about preserving their father’s musical legacy. His fiddle still sat mantled on the wall above the stage the bands now took.

“So, what was today’s meeting about?” Lilith asked. She’d made it most of the way through her dish, and looked over to see the steak only partway eaten. Lucifer was dabbing his lips with a cloth when he looked back at her.

“Ahem, um, well,” she’d always teased him for being a rather ‘dainty eater’ as she put it. “Nothing too important, just some upkeep after all of the peace talks. It was quite funny, actually, it’d been a while since I had been reminded of God’s social ineptitude.”

Lilith took a moment to decide whether or not she should make a quip about Lucifer’s dainty eating, but decided to let it slide this time. “I bet you were relishing that.”

Lucifer shrugged but couldn’t keep his coy smile to himself. Still, his interactions with God as of late were strange. The fact that there had been any interactions was a stark change of pace from the last few centuries. “Peace between Heaven and Hell is strange for even them. It’s strange for all of us.”

Lilith nodded in agreement. It was true. For the first time since Lucifer’s banishment, eons and eons ago, Heaven and Hell had managed to find peace and reestablish connections. No one had expected it, but no one had expected the amount of chaos from the living world either. A balance had to be reached, and neither God nor Lucifer wanted to attempt any mending of Earth out of fear of making it worse. It was a volatile case, so the higher powers decided to leave it alone, and instead remove as much chaos from the afterlife as possible.

There were of course plenty of houses from both realms that adamantly protested, Lilith herself having to handle an ordeal of outbursts from Beelzebub. She’d heard later from Abel that Gabriele had thrown an even grander fit to God. Eons ago that display would’ve had you cast out she had thought to herself. They weren’t the only two to object, but none maintained their position for long. God and Lucifer only needed to send down those with complaints to Earth for but a day, and they came back convinced, and often adamant, that the afterlife should reorganize.

Since then, Hell had become a bit more temperate and heaven just a bit more tropical. Lilith still wasn’t sure what was more shocking; being able to enjoy a breeze in her home, or that she was able to go to heaven and feel the difference herself. It hadn’t been home to her for eons, only a fraction of her existence was lived inside the lustrous golden gates, but some sentiment still remained. Much more for Lucifer than her, though he would never show it, and would never acknowledge that everyone could see right through his aloofness. On their first step into Heaven, Lilith had watched every feather on his back and hair on his neck stiffen, and ever so faint tears curl partway down his cheek until they turned to mist. One of the very few moments Lilith relented on her casual teasing, allowing her love to take in his once glory-stricken kingdom, now welcoming for the first time since Hell’s creation.

These thoughts of her husband ran through Lilith’s mind while her eyes rested on him, who had now a third of his steak left and was continuing to recount his and God’s earlier meeting.

“That’s just it!” I know they want to apologize but they won’t say anything! Everyone is convinced that ‘God’s plan is their own and what we don’t understand, we must have faith in’. It’s blatant bullshit! He’s just too proud to ever openly admit his mistakes.”

Beneath her breath, Lilith said, “Sound’s so familiar,” before taking a sip of her wine.

Lucifer had taken a moment to pause and slice off another section of steak when Lilith asked, “Is it weird, talking to him on such mutual footing again?”

He paused for a second, let out a long sigh, and released whatever tension was holding up his shoulders, letting them slump forward.

Lilith sat back in her chair and crossed her legs, “That sounds about right,” she said. Another sip.

Lucifer sat his utensils down. “It’s- Talking to them is odd because it’s not odd, Lilly. There’s some trepidation, sure, but that’s always been there, to be honest. They deflect with jokes, I react with pride – I don’t think you could see a difference between now and before my fall.”

“Lucy, what have we said about calling it your ‘fall’?” Lilith furrowed her brow.

Another sigh. “I know, I know. I meant that I don’t see a difference between now and before ‘our argument’.”

“Better, thank you. And that sounds good, I’m happy for you.”

“But it’s not, at least, I don’t feel that it’s good.” Lucifer looked back up to Lilith. “It feels the same. Like nothing happened, nothing changed. Like I haven’t changed.”

So that’s what this is about, Lilith thought. After an eternity, she could read Lucifer like a book, but her empathy had its limits. All the time in God’s will couldn’t completely recover her from her own fall. And an eternity more would be needed for her to admit it.

She set her glass down and reached over, placing her hand on top of Lucifer’s. “Love, I’ve watched you all these centuries and millennia. You have changed, and in my opinion, you’ve changed for the better.” Lucifer held onto her hand and focused on her smile, letting it fill him with the warmth of their home.

“Thank you, Lilly.”

“You’re quite welcome, Lucy”

They waited in content silence for the check, watching their waiter dived between tables and weaved through other staff. The restaurant had flooded since their arrival, chatter piercing the air accompanied by the sounds of plates and cups clinking onto tables. In their silence, Lilith and Lucifer sharpened their ears to the chaos around them, an unnecessary habit they’d developed only to reaffirm their displeasure with the mortal world.

Amidst the general bustle, Lilith picked out one or two plates shattering against the floor, followed by several ‘sorry’s from a soft voice nearing a whimper, eventually consumed by some frustrated sighs and the eventual return to the commotion.

A couple of tables behind him, Lucifer could hear crass insults being spewed by what sounded like a woman well past the age she believed she was. Their same waiter was the one receiving the berating. He held his contempt and managed to respond with just a few ‘yes ma’ams’ and resentful apologies. A younger Lucifer would have sent flames flying in frustration. Unfounded arrogance was a quick trigger for him, mainly because an even younger Lucifer was so absorbed by it. This was why both of these eras of the Devil’s life were kept to Hell and Hell alone, which he now understood in retrospect. He still felt a burning hatred for these instigators, but their time would come and he found solace knowing the joy he would take in their eventual reformation. Instead, Lucifer kept his empathy focused on his waiter, feeling sorry for the kid and a slight bit of pride in his attempt at de-escalation.

Lilith’s silence was much easier. Unlike her husband, she never had such a temper, an extension of her shallow empathy. The chaos around has never and could never provoke her, whether it be out of frustration or sympathy, only reaffirming the deep dissatisfaction she carried for existence outside of her husband. She was much different from Lucifer in that way, but it’s to be expected when their banishments differed so wildly, she supposed. Outcast from Heaven into a realm of fire and malice would shorten anyone’s fuse. Lucifer was easy to understand in that way. But for Lilith, nothing could relate to her absence of being. Stripped of all senses, unable to perceive even your own thoughts, is- well it’s nothing. Nothing could empathize with Lilith in that way, and Lilith could not empathize with any others.

Lucifer, and cows, of course, were the only exception. Passionate as he is, he made God send him to the void before he proposed to her, understanding the need to be able to relate to her. Nothing had shocked Lilith more in her eons of being than that moment, but it had left her unable to say no. An arduous relationship for sure, but here they were at dinner. Neither would prefer something different.

After several more moments passed their waiter returned.

“Can I get anything else for the two of you?” he asked.

Lucifer shifted his eyes to a pale blue once again and smiled back. “No, that’ll be all for us. Thank you.” The waiter nodded and left with their plates, coming back moments later with the check.

Lucifer had covered dinner on their last outing, so Lilith took her turn and tucked a cow-print credit card into the plastic tab of the checkbook. Just as quickly as they’d been served, Lilith’s card was taken and given right back to her, and the Lord and Lady of Hell stood and swept their coats from the back of their chairs up onto their shoulders.

From his jacket pocket, Lucifer pulled out a small clip holding neatly folded bills, from which he pulled about fifty dollars worth and sat it down on the table.

Lilith side-eyed the money. “Seems a bit much, don’t you think?” she said.

“Love, I don’t think you can ever tip a server too much.”

“I would have to disagree.”

“He’s had a rough night, Lilly. I’m sure you heard too.”

Lilith shrugged and turned towards the exit. “I’m just saying, it probably won’t end up doing good.”

Lucifer followed after, slightly shaking his head.

Arm in arm, the lovers left the building and ventured into the city expanse. The night air felt comfortably brisk, the climate slowly rounding the corner of fall into winter. The sky was clear but empty, as all the stars had fallen down and settled as city lights peppered the world around the two. An ornate, black shawl fluttered with the wind as Lilith clutched its ends and pulled it closer to her chest. Lucifer pulled his arm out from hers and wrapped it around her shoulder, giving off a faint, comforting heat.

Lilith gave a slight shiver at the new temperature. “It’s rare we ever feel cold, I’ve got to say it’s refreshing.” She shifted ever so closer to Lucifer. “But, I do prefer the warmth.”

“I’ve frozen over plenty of times in Hell, the cold is nothing new, but I have been feeling consistently warmer than usual the past few weeks.”

“Yes love, you’ve been positively glowing.” They shared a quick laugh and turned another street corner. There was no direction or destination in their minds, simply a desire to keep the night going.

Some time that they didn’t care to keep track of passed before they found a small square, benches surrounding a slightly rusting fountain that let only a small trickle of water out of its centerpiece. Pockets of wilting greenery lined the outside and gave just enough color to imbue the scene with life. Little upkeep had been given to the square, in a way making its survival the source of beauty rather than its appearance. Lilith walked to the leftmost bench and took a seat, looking out towards the fountain and the faint city skyline it fell in front of. Following, Lucifer let his suit jacket fall down his arms, catching and sweeping it over Lilith before she sat back. He leaned forward and set his palms on the back of the bench right next to her.

“You’ve been wearing a lot more white, too,” she said, still gazing out at the city. Lucifer looked down and tugged at his white button-up. He’d let some of the top buttons come undone and rolled up the sleeves, losing the formality but only shifting the style.

“Guess I’ve just been reconnecting with my roots.”

“Well, it looks good on you.”

“Most things do.”

“Ah, we were a bit overdue on the narcissism, I was getting worried.”

Lucifer pat Lilith’s shoulder. “My apologies, I’ll be sure to make up for lost time.” He turned his gaze to match the direction of hers, and they spent a moment admiring the scene together.

After a moment, Lucifer said, “Lilly, why did you take such an issue with tipping that boy?”

“I don’t like encouraging bad things,” she said with the same, cool tone she always kept. “Someone his age is irresponsible with money. With so much at once, I’m sure it will end up in a worse place.”

“I can’t understand how you’re so sure of that.”

“I can’t understand how you’re not.” Lilith turned her head to look up at him. “We’ve had to relieve eons of tension between Heaven and Hell all because this world has insisted upon growing more and more obtrusive. Expecting the worst from them is possibly the most gracious thing I can muster.” She turned back to the skyline.

Lucifer walked around the bench and took a seat next to her. “I know we’ve talked about this before. I know it’s difficult to find empathy for most, let alone humans.” As he talked, from out their peripheral, walking down the same street they had taken, a semi-familiar face dressed well and walking with purpose passed by the square entrance. Their waiter of the night hurried to a storefront just barely visible from Lucifer and Lilith’s bench. An elderly man was dragging a chain curtain from the side, probably locking up his shop for the night. The waiter sped up his pace and called out to the man. They were too far away to hear what was being said, but anyone could infer the young man was asking for some last-minute business, and anyone could see the old man was incredibly annoyed.

Lilith gave a slight sigh. “I’m shocked someone was still open this late. Like I’ve said, all they know is chaos and inconvenience.”

Both of them were now intently looking at the scene. “He probably just got off his shift. You can’t blame them all for having to live around chaos. It’s rarely their fault.” Lucifer said. Across the street, The old shopkeep’s head drooped slightly, and he began pulling the chain curtain back and went to unlock the door, leaving the young waiter to heave a sigh of relief. Together they went inside, Lucifer and Lilith only able to see the yellow lights flicker on inside.

Lucifer turned back to Lilith. “See, two people living amidst the chaos, helping one another despite it.”

“And what now? Deviation from routine is what causes chaos in the first place, Luc. Small moments of whatever they call kindness only prolong their mistakes.”

He placed his hand on her shoulder. “Lilith?”

“Luc, your words, no matter how softly spoken, aren’t going to change my mind.”

“I’m well aware, I just want to give my own thoughts completely.” She rolled her eyes.

“Lilith, how many times have I come to you, overwhelmed with sorrow and grief over the actions my past self took?”

Lilith sighed. “If I could count them all I’d give God a run for his money.”

“You’d be right.” he laughed. “And every time, you remind me of the difference between my being, and the world I inhabit. I can only control so much.”

She gave a small huff as he continued. “For as long as we’ve lived, we’re no different from them. We’re mirror images, made from the same, bumbling mess of a God who felt lonely. The only difference is our agency. Lilith, we rule Hell. Our realm is subject to our whims to a certain extent. We were able to control the chaos of our realm. They arent.” As he continued, the waiter walked back out of the store, now holding a bright bouquet of flowers, the other hand waving to the shopkeep who stood in the doorway, seemingly a little less agitated than when they’d met.

Lucifer smiled. “They can only live with it. Just like God, just like us, they’re awkward, unaware, and fraught with anxiety. As a mass, they move to the detriment of the individual. But as individuals-”

The young waiter held the flowers in one hand, and with the other helped the shopkeep redraw the chain curtain and lock it, finally letting the store close.

“-they overcome the horrors of the mass.”

With another wave of thanks and goodbye, the young man hurried back up the street and out of sight, and the shopkeeper walked down to an old model car, starting it up and driving it off a moment later.

Lucifer looked back to Lilith, who’d, for the first time tonight, broken her regal exterior and slumped back into her shoulders with crossed arms. He smiled. “They continue to try, it’s admirable. You more than most know how difficult that can be.” Once again, Lilith gave a small sigh as she reluctantly listened to her husband’s words.

“You don’t need to like them, I just think you’d find it a bit more enjoyable to open your expectations of them. Predictability is never fun, and they’re anything but predictable.” Another warm hand wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her in close. Like you’d expect from the Lord and Lady of Hell, they always held a regality to them, the power and confidence exuding off of them at any given moment. But at this moment, any passerby would see them as just a mere couple, staring out at the beautiful lights of the city, comfortable in their silence. They felt, human.

They continued to stare out in silence for a moment, the world continuing to move and shine and sing, but never enough to catch their attention. They had their world, and they lived in it without distraction.

The moment passed, and Lilith pulled herself up from her husband’s embrace, standing and stretching her legs. “Well, I’m ready if you are.” Her tone returned to its naturally gracious state, and she held out her hand as a princess would to a knight.

Lucifer happily took it and stood up himself. “Thank you for the evening, my love.”

“You’re quite welcome. Let’s hope you manage to earn another one.”

They both laughed.

“Yes, let’s hope.”

The square was left empty, unattended as it has been, only filled by the distant noise of car alarms, the shining of bright skyscraper lights, and several large, black feathers, that slowly drifted to meet with the stone ground.